You'll notice two sorts of people wandering among us over the next two months: miserable people and happy people. There'll be no shades of grey.
The miserable people will have several demanding children in tow. The happy people will be teachers. Teachers on school holidays.
Oh, and there's a third group: the smug people. These are teachers with demanding children in tow. Their haughty faces leave no-one in doubt: "Hey, I may be looking after my children day in, day out," they say. "But at least I am being paid for it."
Make no mistake - it's not religion that divides people at this time of year. It's the school holidays.
It's probably not a remarkable coincidence that none of my friends enjoys school holidays. As soon as a woman says "Gosh, I really can't wait for the school holidays this year - all that free time with the kids", she is dead to me. Nothing personal, I just don't know what makes those people tick.
These are probably the same women who happily volunteer for tuckshop duty. Again, wonderful women no doubt, but I struggle to understand their make-up. Not enough food requests at home? Clearing-up duty not rigorous enough?
It goes without saying that I love my kids, but frankly I'm not a 24-hour live-action version of Playschool. Keeping kids amused 24-7 for weeks on end takes a team of people. Indeed, a village, thank you, Hillary Clinton.
I can manage it alone for two weeks, even three. But eight long weeks? Jesus wept.
Apparently Kevin Rudd and his visionaries didn't get wind of my suggestion for the 2020 Summit - namely, an earnest discussion about the need for a "summer school" for Australian students. This innovation would take care of the mathematical anomaly confronting almost every Aussie parent: how to make four weeks of annual leave stretch across 10-12 weeks of school holidays.
Politicians must naively believe that mums and dads alternate their holidays to share the load, leaving the remaining weeks to kindly grandparents and vacation care programs.
The reality, of course, is that thousands of kids are left alone each school holiday period, mindlessly flicking channels, not answering the door and blithely Google-ing "emo".
My idea involves an end-of-year six-week program run by schools, but very different to the normal school curriculum. It would involve lots of fun activities and extra-curricular endeavours, excursions, mind-expanding challenges, relaxation exercises, body-awareness drills, self-esteem-boosting sessions and, most importantly, lessons in the really important stuff that normal school doesn't teach you about what lies ahead - having to work with people you don't like, prioritising, time management, the art of making small talk, dealing with grief and loss, understanding basic human psychology, forgiving one's parents, how to drive safely, how to drink safely, how to lower one's expectations while at the same time raising the bar, how to distinguish real friends from imposters, recognise the value in grandparents, establish one's own political standpoint and sketch the template for what lies ahead.
Carrie Cox is a journalist, author and mother who one day hopes to finish a cup of coffee while it's still hot.
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