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Smack a hit and miss tactic

I'm not a smacker but not out of some deeply passionate belief that it is a horrendous and draconian form of child torture. I'm just not very good at it. It's a lot of hard work and I'd hate to hurt someone, most of all me.

I have smacked on the odd occasion, but they were pathetic efforts, devoid of strategy, and they failed miserably to elicit anything but tears from everyone involved, most of all me.

I was smacked as a child - quite a lot as I recall - and so I appreciate that smacking occupies a spectrum. When extreme parenting commentators lump all smackers under the "child abuse" umbrella, they ignore the fact that some parents smack carefully, responsibly and with discipline borne of love (not my parents, mind you, but some). They also ignore the fact that some kids, like me, are right little turds.

So in raising a handful of scallywags myself, I was loath to dismiss smacking. Instead I invented Smacking Man.

The ultimate anti-hero, Smacking Man was a supermarket chameleon, forever changing his identity to stay under the radar yet omnipresent in his menace. I invented him because my children save their very worst behaviour for shopping centres, aware that this is a location devoid of time-out corners, of bedrooms to be sent to, of pillows for Mummy to wail into.

In the bright glare of the public, Mummy is stripped of her usual powers. She can but say, "You just wait till we get home", knowing full well that by the time she does, Mummy will be too busy unpacking groceries and wondering into which joyless chasm her life disappeared into to follow through on idle threats.

Enter Smacking Man.

"Stop screaming, Carlton oh my gosh. Is that Smacking Man? Over there near the frozen food? Yes, it's him! You'd better be quiet - I think he heard you."

"Lara, put that DVD back on the shelf or yes, there he is, see? Smacking Man. Quick - put it back! Good girl. Phew, that was close."

"Kids look! Smacking Man is just over by the deli, let's not upset him."

Smacking Man was, at various times, a portly gent innocently examining potatoes in the fruit-n-veg section, a businessman buying The Financial Review, a busy shopkeeper, a preoccupied dad. Once he was a librarian who, thanks apparently to superhero hearing, caught on to my ruse and actually played along, pretending to be Smacking Man.

By and large, though, Smacking Man was whichever unawares fellow I could lay eyes on in that moment of imminent toddler mayhem and he worked an absolute charm. For six short months.

Here's the thing: never underestimate your children. They are so much smarter than you think.

"Hey Carlton," Lara yelled to her brother across the hairdressing salon one recent morning. "There's the Smacking Man." She pointed to a young guy having his head shaved. "Just pretend, Carlton for Mum."

Carlton pointed to a grandfather reading a magazine. "No, there's the Smacking Man, Lara." They both dissolved into giggles.

"Who's the Smacking Man?" my hairdresser asked me.

"Never mind," I replied. "He's so grounded."

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Posted By: By CARRIE COX on 26/06/2008 4:37:21 PM | Comments (1)

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Terrific read! Smacking Man worked well for us with our kids for a while too, then they began joking about who was a Smacking Man wherever we went.

So I've resorted to all out warfare. Smacks just don't work anymore, the more you give, the less impact they have and worse I feel for giving them.

As a child, I got the strap. After a while, one of Mum's sideways glances at where the strap hung was enough to send me bolting for my bedroom. I know stories of my mates getting the broom or even the electric cow whip. Instead, we've reverted to psychological warfare. Sounds cruel I know.

We've found that by keeping most of our comments positive - we can "save" the threats of a smack to be used when needed. Usually this is enough because Child 1 gets embarrassed about it in front of Child 2 and 3.

Failing that, a smack can be used for particularly heinous crimes.

Finally, prior to an event that is likely to cause outbreaks of kiddy tantrums and misbehavior, the kids get the "chat" - usually in the car before we arrive. The "Chat" involves what I expect from them, and each of them being allowed to make up a "rule" for the occasion. Eg. Miss 4 will announce "No scratching or kicking" (totally irrelevant but makes her feel important). Master 5 will declare "No swearing and give Nanny a kiss on the way in". Master 7 will always provide the best rules "Hold an adult's hand and do as you're told".

After this I'll quickly commend them and ask them what can I do if someone breaks the rules? "You can smack them, give them chilli sauce, send them to their room without dinner and turn out the light".

Their suggestions of punishment are always more brutal than anything I could do but for some reason, it works. They feel like they've got a responsibility and are working as part of a team. Saves smacks for when the kids go into rabbit mode - and after warnings. Sometimes it's the ONLY way to bring them out of their fits of stupidity.

There's some parenting advice FROM a parent.

Damien.

Posted by Damien on 27/06/2008 4:13:06 PM

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